The Message or the Messenger?

Reactive devaluation can cause us unnecessary mistakes in judgment.

“Be hard on the problem, soft on the people.”

—Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes

Last week, I was preparing for what I knew would be a torturously difficult negotiation. The parties would be dug in and reluctant to compromise. They had virtually equally bargaining power, were smart and persistent, and could push each other’s hot-buttons with brutal precision. Maintaining an ongoing relationship and striking a deal were obligatory, and time was of the essence.

It was Friday evening, and that meant our twin teenagers needed to agree on a restaurant for our weekly family dinner pick-up.

Predictably, as our discussion began, each kid’s suggestion was unceremoniously rejected by the other guy. Sometimes, the rejection would come with a rationale; other times, it was a flat, “nope.” And around we went, all involved growing hungrier and more frustrated by the minute.

Not surprisingly, each little negotiator was refusing to go to places he’d have gladly gone were it not for the source of the proposal…