Negotiation and the Art of Impulse Control

Seven tips for keeping your emotions in check. Even when you're REALLY mad.

Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash

“It is essential that we not respond impulsively . . . take a moment before reacting and you will find it is easier to maintain control.”

— Epictetus

Managing emotions in negotiation and conflict settings is a recurring topic here at The Stoic Negotiator. And with good reason: When anger overtakes you, making logical, sound decisions is virtually impossible.

Managing the Emotional Response

Filtering emotional responses in the face of conflict helps us see issues more objectively and communicate effectively. Stoic principles are a useful guide as we face this challenge, because Stoicism teaches recognizing and redirecting our emotions to avoid destructive actions precipitated by anger. These logical principles of emotion regulation present goals worth emulating.

Seven Tips You Can Use

As a practical matter, though, this question frequently arises: In the heat of a dispute, how can we recognize and compartmentalize our emotions before acting upon them?

In other words: How do I keep from losing my cool and destroy our chances of reaching a resolution?

You probably have approaches you tend to rely on when the going gets tough in a negotiation or conflict setting. If you’re looking for other ideas that might help:

1. Prepare. Every effective negotiation begins with preparation. Of course, ideally, you should research the substance of your discussion and know it backwards and forwards. (What’s the market price for cars of this type? What real estate comps are available for houses like yours? What’s a realistic salary range for the job you’re seeking?) For bonus points, you should know your counterpart’s position as well as or better than he or she does, too. But you can also poise yourself to counter more subjective facets of an anticipated interaction, including your own emotional responses. These words from Marcus Aurelius are helpful, particularly when you’re about to engage with a difficult person or situation: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.” There are plenty of wonderful people out there. Still, we can’t be so naive as to think that all is rainbows and unicorns in the negotiation world. We can, however, be ready for the conflict, choose to take the high road, lead with empathy, and resist the temptation to respond in kind. Marcus Aurelius also taught: “To live a good life: We have the potential for it. If we learn to be indifferent to what makes no difference.” Perhaps the Stoic precursor to the ubiquitous “don’t sweat the small stuff” advice headlining millions of motivational break room posters and memes, this idea has been around at least thousands of years. The enduring point is that we retain the option not to get riled up about things that don’t matter. It takes circumspection and tremendous awareness to know what makes a difference and what makes none, of course, and that leads us back to the value of preparation.

2. Count it out. Before responding to an inflammatory remark or situation, recite the alphabet to yourself, as Stoic Athenodorus Cananites famously advised the emperor Octavian; if you prefer numbers, count to ten. As Thomas Jefferson said, “When angry, count 10 before you speak; if very angry, 100.” Think of this of placing yourself in a time-out, if you’d like. During the pause it takes to go through the letters or numbers, you give yourself a chance to cool off and delay a knee-jerk response you might later regret.

3. Breathe. Take deep breaths, perhaps even incorporating deliberate breathing into your counting or alphabet recitation. Though you might be tempted to write this off as too obvious to be effective, give it a try. I’ll admit I was at first skeptical myself, but after reading enough studies and hearing so many advocates for controlled breathing techniques, I opened my mind and became a believer. If you’re interested to go a bit deeper into stress-relieving breathing techniques, check out this clip from Tim Ferriss’ interview with Dr. Andrew Huberman on the “physiological sigh.”

4. Be silent. You don’t often have to respond immediately to a negotiation proposal or verbal barb, so take your time and gather your thoughts. Give yourself space to process what’s been done or said and formulate how you’d like to proceed. Silence can feel awkward, but with patience you can use it to your strategic advantage. Meanwhile, the other party will be tempted to fill the conversation gap and perhaps either give you more valuable information or, at least, vent off any remaining steam. Either way, a dose of silence may ultimately move you towards more productive communication.

5. Call for a break. If you need and are able to, physically remove yourself from the conflict or heated negotiation. Propose to the other person that perhaps a break would be helpful. If you’d like, excuse yourself for a few minutes (or days, or weeks, depending on the circumstances), or suggest that taking a pause might allow everyone to regroup and return with a fresh perspective. Take a walk. Specifics of each situation, of course, will help dictate the appropriate transition to an opportunity to stretch your legs and maybe get some fresh air. Grab a cup of coffee or tea. Walking down the hall or around the block is a great way to reset your conversation, and even light physical activity like taking a stroll can do wonders for your negotiating and problem-solving stamina. Meditate or listen to music while you walk, if that’s your thing. Relax your shoulders, roll your neck, stretch your fingers . . . again, whatever works best for you. A well-timed break can give you a new perspective when you return to focus on resolving your dispute.

6. Quiz yourself. Before you respond to someone or something that has you on the verge of anger, ask yourself: Will this matter in ten minutes? Ten hours? How about ten days, or even ten years? So that driver cut you off in traffic. In the moment, it can feel like a direct attack, threat, or challenge. Your competitive juices flow and adrenaline courses through your veins. Tempting as it might be, you don’t need to respond in a way that escalates a potential conflict. Then even ten seconds later, you might be ready to move on and never see that oblivious motorist again in your life. As you know, were you unable to manage your response, a split-second angry reaction could be extremely costly. Likewise, if someone offends you with a lowball initial offer at the negotiating table, a quick reaction could blow up your potential to consummate a profitable deal. On the other hand, if you’re able to move past your initial urge to punch back and instead focus on the big picture, your self-discipline could be the difference between sure failure and long-term success.

7. Take perspective. Before you react, consider what your kids/parents/partner would think if they were watching. What kind of example do you want to set for them, or how would they expect you to act? And what type of person do you want to be? Another way to get there: How would your inner child, the 10-year-old you, want you now to respond in this moment? What about the 100-year-old you, looking back in time? What advice might those past and future versions of yourself offer? These are deep, powerful questions, and conflict gives us daily opportunities to turn our aspirations into actions. As wise Epictetus said, “Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it.”

Guiding your emotions to maximize your decision-making abilities can be a lifelong practice. These are just a few tools you might find helpful along the way, particularly in negotiating or resolving conflict.

What else works for you in the midst of a negotiation or dispute? Please feel free to share your own tips in the comments below. As always, thanks for reading, and see you next time!