In life our first job is this, to divide and distinguish things into two categories: externals I cannot control, but the choices I make with regard to them I do control. Where will I find good and bad? In me, in my choices.
These words of Epictetus set forth an essential — if not the most essential — philosophical tenet of Stoicism.
Separating those things we can control from what we cannot. Identifying what is worth trying to change, and what is futile. Focusing our efforts and attention on what we can do, in each present moment, to move closer to our goals.
Distinguishing uncontrollable externals from controlled choices just so happens to be a highly effective everyday negotiation skill, as well. For that reason, this theme recurs frequently in discussion of useful negotiating tools.
And it requires practice to train yourself to ask, in the face of a challenging dispute with a difficult adversary, these critical questions:
Is this something (or, someone) I can control?
And, if not, how can I control my choices with respect to this immovable force and reach the best possible outcome?
Negotiation and conflict resolution are all, at the core, problem-solving and decision-making exercises. Thus, the lesson we can glean from the Stoics: If it is within your power to solve a problem or create a favorable result, then take action. However, if you are facing an obstacle over which you have no control, then let it go.
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