It’s silly to try to escape other people’s faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.”
— Marcus Aurelius
As a mediator, I frequently encounter parties that just plain don’t like each other. Sometimes, they actually hate and can’t stand to look at one another. Often, they can’t bring themselves to speak directly and choose instead to communicate completely through me as a third-party intermediary.
“I’ve got nothing to say to her and don’t want to hear it. She’s rude, self-centered, and obnoxious,” one litigant recently explained to me of an adversary.
“He’s one of the worst people I’ve ever met, and his company never showed me an ounce of respect,” another party told me of her ex-employer.
In our everyday lives, too, we encounter people who we think are flawed. Maybe you have a selfish uncle, or a rude landlord, or a former spouse in your life that gives you grief. We interact with strangers all of the time, too, and — let’s face it — those encounters aren’t all pleasant.
But what’s the point of dwelling on others’ imperfections? Even if you’re completely correct, and that other person is terrible in every way, how does that help you in a negotiation setting? Does it bring you closer to your goal?
Think about it: How often have you been able to resolve a conflict by changing a person’s nature or character?
In mediations, I try to help people see that focusing on others’ faults (as they perceive them) is counter-productive. Instead of wishing that the company rep was a better person, that your ex- wasn’t so selfish, or that your opposition wasn’t behaving so irrationally, refocus on how you react and respond. Remember, separating what we can control from what we cannot is a bedrock Stoic principal that can guide skilled negotiators.
As Marcus Aurelius reminds us, the only faults we have even a chance of escaping are our own.
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