Last week, I was mediating with a somewhat belligerent attorney who, I realized early in the process, had refused to recognize the other side’s point of view. The two parties had significantly different understandings of their case’s relevant facts and law, which resulted in an appreciable difference in their respective assessments of reasonable settlement values. This particular attorney was so confident in his version of the facts and legal analysis that he disbelieved opposing counsel didn’t see things his way and completely disregarded her alternative positions.
Recognizing the resulting settlement barrier, I turned to the belligerent party in caucus (a private discussion), acknowledged his contentions, and asked if he could at least empathize with the other side.
“Empathize?” he barked. “Why should I feel sorry for them? It’s their fault we’re here in the first place! I’ve explained this to them a thousand times, and if they still don’t get it, that’s their problem. So, no, I can’t empathize at all.”
And so on, and so forth.
So here’s the thing: you don’t have to feel sorry for — or even like — your counterpart to empathize. On the contrary, empathy is a powerful negotiating tool you can use to help get your way, and being empathetic is by no means a weakness. You can empathize with a person with whom you completely disagree, too.
Empathy is an understanding of how the other person feels, and of the cause for that feeling. Why is this important for a negotiator? So you can get what you need more effectively.
When you empathize with someone else, and recognize the other’s point of view, the person feels understood. Even more critically, the person feels you understand, which helps build rapport between you. And when you’ve built rapport, you’re setting yourself up to negotiate effectively and meet your needs at the bargaining table.
Bottom line: if you’re not empathizing with your negotiating counterpart, you’re missing a tremendous opportunity. On the other hand, when you empathize, you greatly increase your persuasiveness. At your next mediation or negotiation, listen carefully to the other side, work to understand and recognize their point of view – even if you disagree with and feel no sympathy for the opposition – and use empathy strategically to reach your objectives.
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